I am sad

As far back as my mind will reach, I remember going to Granny and Grandad's home just about every week. Sometimes just to visit with them, sometimes to celebrate an occasion, always on Christmas Day to exchange gifts. Their home has been filled with many laughs, tears, worry and joy.

They had a tradition with my sister and me that if it was my birthday, she would also receive one small gift and vice versa. My parents have continued that tradition with my three. It takes the "jealousy" factor out of birthdays ("How come she gets all the gifts, and I don't?"). Also on our birthdays, they would take the whole family to the restaurant of our choice.

On Christmas Day, we would have lunch, open gifts, and drive out to Candy Cane Lane to see the lights. Granny also always fixed Christmas Dixie cups full of Christmas candy for the kids. YUM. If we got married, we no longer received the candy cups. :( haha

After Dennis proposed, that was the first place we went to proclaim our news.

Lots of memories.

My Granny died a year and a half ago. It was very different to go to the house after that, but still great to spend time with Grandad. Grandad's health has declined in the last year, and last winter, he broke his hip and hasn't been home since. Nor will he. He is in a nursing home now, and will always need care. Even though he hasn't been home for several months, I guess the hope has always been in me that he would return.

My Grandparents have many nice neighbors. The family to the east of them used to own a restaurant there in Coffeyville, and their son is buying my Grandparents' home. I went last week to pick up some items from the house before it is no longer Grandad's. I have to say this makes me very sad. I know Grandad is fine with this idea, but it makes me feel weird taking things that are still "theirs" when he is still here with us. I kind of knew it was coming, but kind of hoped it wouldn't.

I am not ready to live without any grandparents. I'm not. Especially my Grandad. He and I have always been close. I don't like this.

writing

Yesterday I took the kids to visit my Grandad in Coffeyville. The kids just went for a few minutes to say hello and so Grandad could say a few things to them. I stayed a tad longer so we could talk alone. It was a good visit, lots of crying, though.

I went by Grandad's home and found a handwritten journal written by my Great-grandmother (whom we called More-Granny). She passed away when I was about 4-5 years old. She wrote the history of her family and things that had happened after marrying my Great-grandpa. I read it last night when we got home. It was so fascinating! Even little things were fascinating: how much they spent on gas for their gas stove, what they built their homes with and how small the homes were, etc. I tell you what, people back then were tough. Things they had to endure and go through, I do not think I am strong enough to handle most of that. The very last page had cut-outs from the newspaper of my parents' engagement with a beautiful picture of my mom, and one of my dad in his air force uniform mentioning how he was assigned to go to San Antonio, TX, for on-the-job training. (This is where my sister would be born.) Very cool.

My Granny was always good about writing letters, notes, sending cards for all the holidays, etc. She loved writing. Reading More-Granny's journal made me realize where she got it. I love sending encouraging notes to people. I feel as though it is one thing that I can do for God. I don't know if you could consider it a "calling", but it's one of the best suited callings for me, in my opinion. Sometimes I struggle with, "What can I do for God?" This is one thing that I don't have to question. I CAN do this, and so I do. I CAN wrap Mexico boxes, and so I do. I hope that God will be glorified in everything that I do.

How I Feel Today

When I'm with you,
eternity is a step away,
my love continues to grow,
with each passing day.

This treasure of love,
I cherish within my soul,
how much I love you...
you'll never really know.

You bring a joy to my heart,
I've never felt before,
with each touch of your hand,
I love you more and more.

Whenever we say goodbye,
whenever we part,
know I hold you dearly,
deep inside my heart.

So these seven words,
I pray you hold true,
"Forever And Always,
I Will Love You."

- Chris Engle -

Seems to capture what I am feeling on the inside lately. I love my Grandad dearly, and I am sad to see him slip away.