My prison

The worst thing about having poison ivy is that I don't feel like I can hug people or hold babies. It's so hard, I didn't realize how touchy/feely I am, and there have been times I want to reach out and hug someone, and then I hold it back, and it hurts on the inside. (sigh) Someday I will no longer have it and will be "unshackled" by this terrible condition. In the meantime, I will stay in my prison of agony.

Poison ivy or sumac

So I Am Changed
by Sibelan Forrester

Now that I am an initiate
I see it everywhere, the glossy
triangular eyes of its young
leer at me from every garden
and roadside in recognition.

All these years I didn't know
what might be out there to get me,
but now wherever I walk I keep
an eye out for that glossy leaf
and tendril, lurking at the edge
of the lawn, the soft touch
and proof of my angry imperfection.

I somehow got poison ivy or sumac about 10 days ago and am still breaking out and miserable. It feels as though I will always be "marked" and my body will always have these red blotches to prove it. I hope they go away and do not scar. I am so itchy, so tired of looking splotchy, it's embarrassing. Can I just say that I hate poison ivy?...

Lord, liar or lunatic?

I am reading an interesting book in my classroom while they do their handwriting. It is called More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell. So far, it is really good. He poses the question, "Who do you say that Jesus is?" Today we read how either Jesus IS Lord/God, or He is either a lunatic or a liar. Lord, liar or lunatic. If He is a liar, claiming to be God and claiming that He is the only way to God, and if He wasn't really, then he would not just be a liar, but he would be very evil. Scratch that off the list. If He states that He is Lord, but really isn't, He would at least be a lunatic. Of all the statements He made about Himself, he would definitely look like a crazy man if those statements were not true. Many people call Him a moral man, good teacher, etc. Could a lunatic be a great teacher? How about people that have had their lives changed by His teaching? Sorry, but He is NOT a lunatic. He either is what He says He is, or He is not. Guess that leaves Lord.

Yes, I believe He is Lord and God. I believe that He is the only way to God. I believe that He saves lives, changes us, wants us to know Him in a real, relational way. I believe that He is coming back someday, and I want Him to always be pleased with me. This is the Jesus that I know. He is amazing!

Encouragement

I asked God one time, "What can I possibly do to walk in my 'calling'? I don't know how I can make a difference in people's lives." God, speaking through a minister, told me that one thing I can do is write encouraging notes to people. I began doing that every once in a while, and it seemed to really mean a lot to people. I didn't do it very frequently, however, and once more I asked God what I could do. He reminded me about writing encouraging notes, and I decided to try to write at least one per week to someone that He would give me words for. It was a great year when I did that. I usually had more than one per week, and although not everyone came back and thanked me, it was just good knowing I was obeying God. I stopped doing it for awhile, but I am ready to get back to it. You know, when you know that you can help in ANY way for the kingdom of God to expand, whether it's cleaning the church, mowing the lawn for someone, working in the nursery, etc. it is good to just go ahead and walk in those ways. He blesses you in the process especially when you do it with joy. I love to be an encourager. I hope more people become aware of ways that they can encourage others. For me, it's not about that person thanking me, it's about knowing that God gave me those words to say to them, and it must be His timing for them to hear them. Also, when you have something encouraging written down for you, it's nice to go back to it in the hard times.

Friendships

I was trying to look up "friendship poems" on the internet, but I couldn't find any fitting for what I am feeling, or they were just very cheesy. I am very thankful for the godly friendships that I have. I am so glad that I have friends that will keep me on the right track, love me unconditionally, and help me when I need it. I love serving God alongside such wonderful people. I feel extremely blessed each and every day. I know not everyone in this world feels this way, and it makes me sad for them. I think of some of the friendships I have had in the past that had no real purpose and on the surface seemed fantastic but really left me with nothing once we were no longer together. How we never really got to a deep, committed relationship because it was not built on anything but flesh (what can you do for me?) instead of building it on Christ, who is our solid rock. I have friendships now where even if we have been apart for a short or long time, we can pick right back up because we are serving Jesus together, and we can have a deep, meaningful relationship because of that. I thank God for this creation of "friendship", that He created us with a desire for relationships.

God's promises

Last night the kids and I did our devotions, and we have been discussing how God keeps all of His promises. After we finished our reading and talking, the kids made "promise boxes". They ended up being so cute and inventive, even Sammy enjoyed it, which he doesn't usually get too into the "craft" thing. I gave them small boxes with lids (size like what checks come in), and I wrapped the lids separate from the box having the wrong side of the wrapping paper showing so they would have the whole box white. They then decorated to their heart's content with stickers and wrote whatever they wanted on them (my promise box, etc.). On pieces of paper they wrote out God's promises to them and placed them inside the box. I told them whenever they feel down or need encouragement to open their box and read God's promises to them. God always keeps His promises. Thank you, God!

Headaches

I really hate headaches. I have battled with headaches for nine years. I have had years where I had anywhere from a bad headache up to a migraine almost daily. I am not living that way anymore, however, when I get a headache, it's pretty bad. Lately I have been getting more. I have been prayed over numerous times, and sometimes wonder if God is using this as my "thorn in my flesh" or if I just don't have enough faith to be healed. I am on medication to try to keep from having them, but I would love to just be healed and finished with it. I would love to be able to get hot from summer weather or from exercising without getting a migraine. I would love to not get tension in my neck and shoulders which works its way up to my head. I have learned how to praise God in the midst of the pain, however. Maybe that is the lesson I am to learn.

Love of the Lord

This song has been going through my head the last few days:

The Steadfast Love of the Lord

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh Lord.
Great is Thy faithfulness.

It's a beautiful song, and the lyrics are so true.

Life and Death with words

I was visiting with Tiffany last night, and we were looking at my old yearbooks. A certain teacher's picture was visible, and I told her how he had spoken death to me in 3rd grade. The Bible speaks of humans having the ability to speak life to others or to speak death. We need to choose our words carefully, because some words can not only hurt but can alter the course of someone's life for good OR bad.

Here is what happened to me in 3rd grade: This teacher walked in to all three 3rd grade classrooms and went around the room asking each and every child what they wanted to be when they grow up. The children would answer him, and he would ask the next one. However, if we answered, "A teacher," he stated, "Oh, so you want to be poor your whole life?" Now, I knew my parents were not well-off, and I certainly did not want to be poor! What was I to do? I had dreamed of being a teacher my whole life to that point! I was one of the kids who answered, "Teacher." From that day on, I knew my dream had to be thrown away. I did not know what I should do. I tossed around some ideas during Jr. High, and my Senior year, I decided I liked accounting. I began college thinking I would get an Accounting degree, but decided the first year of college that I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to lose any credits that I already had, so I opted for Business Administration. Now, I'm glad I received my degree, but guess what I am doing now? Teaching. My dream didn't have to be thrown away (thank you, Lord), but I wonder what kind of a teacher I could be if I would've received more training and went for a teaching degree.

Now, perhaps this man had wanted a raise and didn't receive one and was just taking out his anger this way...it's hypothetical, but he could've had some reason to be ranting and raving about teachers being poor. I don't know. However, 3rd graders don't have the ability to rationalize that. All we heard were his words about how bad it was to be a teacher. Death.

Lesson: Be careful what you say, especially to children. It could affect the rest of their lives.

Yard sales

I love going to garage sales/yard sales. I love finding killer deals on things for the home, my kids, or myself. The kids like it sometimes, as long as we don't get them up too early.

Yesterday, I went to one after school with the kids. I found some neat things new with tags for the kids. The ad had stated that they would have some Christmas wrapping paper. I asked about it, and she told me she sold some, but still had more to go through and would have it out there at 4:30PM when her husband got home. I explained how our church sends boxes of items that are wrapped to Mexico at Christmastime, and we go through a LOT of paper. I told her I would check back. I'm thinking to myself, "You're having a yard sale and you don't have it all out there yet? What are you waiting for?!" Anyway, I went home, did some things, and went back later. Guess what? NO PAPER! AAUUGGHH! Fortunately it wasn't too far from my home, or I would have wasted more gas than I did. And, when I asked her if she put it out there yet, she said, "No..." She didn't even offer to go get it now that her husband was standing there. Hello! Do you want to get rid of it and make a sale or not?! That was irritating.

Memories or lack thereof

Things I remember about last month:
?? Was I here last month?

(sigh) Although my long-term memory is endless (see last post), my short-term memory has much to be desired. I always freeze at the question, "So, what was church about last week (a few days ago, etc)?"

"Umm, I know it was really good..."

I wish it wasn't this way. I am taking Ginko, and it seems to help things like remembering what I came into a room for, remembering to run an errand that someone told me not to forget, etc. However, remembering conversations? Forget about it. (pun intended)

I wonder if years from now when this year's memories will be long-term, will I remember everything that I can't remember now?

Things I remember: childhood

Here are some things I remember about growing up in my small Kansas hometown. It's not a comprehensive list, it's just things that I remember very well.

• My little house on Wood Street (2 bedrooms, 1 bath)
• Remodeling our little house into a 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath
• Sweeping up the saw dust during the remodel: how it smelled, how the men were surprised the next day to see it cleaner
• Playing on my swing set and singing while swinging
• Playing with my sister and best friend outside: making mud pies, playing whiffle ball, playing in the snow and acting like it was a blizzard and we were Laura, Mary and Carrie Ingalls getting lost in the blizzard
• Being a member of the "congregation" as my sister preached to me from her "pulpit", which was my baby doll suitcase
• Being a cheerleader for my sister, the football player
• My dog, Snuggles (1/2 poodle, 1/2 schnauzer), whom I had from ages 2-15
• How Snuggles became blind and deaf the older she got
• All of my grade school teachers
• How our lunch ladies made the BEST hot rolls I've ever had
• The taste of our lunchroom pizza
• How nervous I would get about the first day of school
• How much I LOVED school
• How much I loved fried chicken
• How everyone knew your name in our small town
• How, even as a young child, my best friend and I could walk uptown by ourselves and have nothing to worry about (and neither did our parents)
• The sound of the wooden floors in our "dime" store and the smell of that store
• Looking at Smurf figurines at the Pharmacy, saving up money to collect as many as I could
• Spending the night at friends' houses; laughing a lot
• Going to our school carnival every year and coming home with "useless" treasures
• Playing "school" in my bedroom
• Playing "secretary" in my bedroom
• Thinking your small home is big
• Thinking your school is gigantic!
• Getting lost in TG&Y
• Eating at Pizza Hut with my family every Saturday before buying groceries
• Eating at Long John Silvers when we were tired of Pizza Hut
• Looking at Christmas lights every year with Granny, Grandad, mom and dad, especially Candy Cane Lane
• Going to the mall in Bartlesville, OK a lot and going to the mall in Tulsa, OK every year for new school clothes
  
• The sights and sounds of my hometown church
• The sights and sounds of my hometown library
• The feel of my grandparents' hugs
• Sitting on my mom's lap and listening to her heartbeat as she would read to me
• Getting new Easter dresses every year
• Helping decorate for Christmas every year
• Melting tinsel on the old fashioned large bulbs that got HOT!
• Buying new record albums and memorizing them ALL after listening to them through twice
• The sights and sounds of our city pool
• Going skating with our third grade class for the "end of the year" party
• The sound of my best friend, Cari's, voice
• The sound of Cari's mom's voice
• Skating on Cari's neighbor's driveway listening to "Footloose"
• Playing in the building behind our home, which at one time was an apartment, but we used it for storage and called it "The Little House"
• The smell of dad using a charcoal grill on Saturday nights in the summer on our patio
  
• Always feeling like I was older than I was
• Listening to Elvis records and belting the song out along with him
• Moving on to Barbara Mandrell and then Olivia Newton-John
• Loving to play with baby dolls and wearing as much jewelry as I could
• Trying to learn to ride a bike without training wheels and getting mad at the bike
• Watching my sister wreck her 3-speed bike on gravel and running home to tell mom and dad
• Being so happy to receive "Underoos" for Christmas
• Hating the physical fitness tests that we had to do every year at school
• Getting car sick any time we traveled
• Going to my Aunt and Uncle's after school
• Riding in my Aunt's station wagon with all of my cousins singing songs
• Going to the State Fair with my Aunt, Uncle and cousins
• Going trick-or-treating to houses of people we knew
• Playing board games all summer with my sister, some of them lasting for days
• Watching the Wizard of Oz once a year and being scared every time by the Wicked Witch
• Missing my teachers when we would be on break (I know, sick, aren't I? haha)
• Vacationing in Branson a LOT; once with my Granny and Grandad
• The smell of the asphalt in the summer at Silver Dollar City
• Listening to my mom hum or sing softly in the car
• Spraining my ankle at school during P.E. and spraining the other one on my way home from Cari's
• Watching smoke billow out from our grade school when it was set on fire
• All the kids squished inside the gymnasium or music room for classes after the fire
• The feeling enjoyment while playing on the scooters
• Getting scared when an old car with strange looking men stopped and one of the men started getting out while we were playing whiffle ball outside
• Pulling apart hundreds of rollie-polies
• Pulling apart a bee and getting the stinger in my thumb (I didn't know it could hurt me, I just thought it was pretty.)
• Falling asleep on my teeter-totter
• Learning to crochet
• Learning what "long distance" is the hard way :(
• Always playing "mommy"
• Admiring my neighbors beautiful maple trees in the fall
• Having school parties, especially Valentine's Day
• Eating hamloaf at Granny and Grandad's for Easter
• Eating mom's chili and my Aunt's potato soup on Christmas Eve at Grandad's
• Spending Christmas Day at Granny and Grandad's
• Going to the capitol building in 5th grade because I won a report-writing contest
  
• Listening to Grandad's stories
• Getting my tonsils out
• Swinging on the swingset at school and jumping off at the highest point
• Moving to Pittsburg for my 6th grade year
• Hating living in Pittsburg
• Moving back to hometown in 7th grade
• Sleeping in my sister's room when it was hot so we could share a fan
• Sunday School each Sunday
• Being in "Sword Drills"; practicing, competing and going to Salina for State Competition
• Going to Glorieta, NM to watch my friend compete in the nationals for sword drills
• Going to Arkansas for a family reunion
• Wondering which teacher I would have next year; excited for mom to come home and tell me after she pre-enrolled us
• Watching "Hee Haw" on Saturday nights
• Lining up "boy, girl, boy girl" or "BGBGBG" as one teacher called it
• My dad teaching me to wrap gifts; mom making me the official "gift wrapper" of the family (except my gifts)
• My Mickey Mouse night light, which I had a nightmare about one time while I was sick with fever
• My Crayola Caddy and hours I would spend using it
  
• Coloring with my sister
• Making my sister come home and play school with me when I was too young to go so I could know everything she learned
• April 1, 1979--Asked Jesus to be my Lord and Savior
• My baptism--being scared I would drown and saying, "I want my daddy!"
• Being in children's choir at church: doing plays, singing, doing puppet shows, etc.
• Getting my Barbie kitchen from Granny and Grandad
• Getting a large double-sided chalkboard to play school from mom and dad
• Playing Pacman and Ms. Pacman at my friend's house
• Going to church camp "Virgil" which I did not like
• I liked going to the car wash with Dad because he would buy me a bottle (glass bottle) of Crush soda (orange, grape, strawberry)
• Getting mad at my sister when we played "Aggravation"
  
• Having a GREAT childhood
  

writing

Yesterday I took the kids to visit my Grandad in Coffeyville. The kids just went for a few minutes to say hello and so Grandad could say a few things to them. I stayed a tad longer so we could talk alone. It was a good visit, lots of crying, though.

I went by Grandad's home and found a handwritten journal written by my Great-grandmother (whom we called More-Granny). She passed away when I was about 4-5 years old. She wrote the history of her family and things that had happened after marrying my Great-grandpa. I read it last night when we got home. It was so fascinating! Even little things were fascinating: how much they spent on gas for their gas stove, what they built their homes with and how small the homes were, etc. I tell you what, people back then were tough. Things they had to endure and go through, I do not think I am strong enough to handle most of that. The very last page had cut-outs from the newspaper of my parents' engagement with a beautiful picture of my mom, and one of my dad in his air force uniform mentioning how he was assigned to go to San Antonio, TX, for on-the-job training. (This is where my sister would be born.) Very cool.

My Granny was always good about writing letters, notes, sending cards for all the holidays, etc. She loved writing. Reading More-Granny's journal made me realize where she got it. I love sending encouraging notes to people. I feel as though it is one thing that I can do for God. I don't know if you could consider it a "calling", but it's one of the best suited callings for me, in my opinion. Sometimes I struggle with, "What can I do for God?" This is one thing that I don't have to question. I CAN do this, and so I do. I CAN wrap Mexico boxes, and so I do. I hope that God will be glorified in everything that I do.

Shelden's poem

I am my daughter, Shelden's, teacher. Today they had to write poems about a color. I thought hers was great. Here it is...

Red is...
by Shelden Jamison
Red is a freshly picked apple.
Red is colorful fall leaves.
Red is hot, fiery flames.
Red is the blood of living things.
Red is the Red Sea.
Red is the color for me.

How I Feel Today

When I'm with you,
eternity is a step away,
my love continues to grow,
with each passing day.

This treasure of love,
I cherish within my soul,
how much I love you...
you'll never really know.

You bring a joy to my heart,
I've never felt before,
with each touch of your hand,
I love you more and more.

Whenever we say goodbye,
whenever we part,
know I hold you dearly,
deep inside my heart.

So these seven words,
I pray you hold true,
"Forever And Always,
I Will Love You."

- Chris Engle -

Seems to capture what I am feeling on the inside lately. I love my Grandad dearly, and I am sad to see him slip away.

Girls at play

I was watching my girls play "spa" last night and had to smile. They were soaking each other's feet in hot water, painting their nails, and giving each other a massage. They would calculate how much was owed and pay in fake money. They were also talking to other "employees" and "customers". It was so fun for them. (I even got a massage out of the deal.) My oldest wants to be a beautician when she grows up, and maybe have her own spa? I used to play "school" at home when I was growing up, and now I am a teacher...could this be Shelden's way of playing the role of her future?